Don't rain on my parade - IVF part2

Blue Skies

2008-08-15T23:13:00.001+01:00

So here we are, tonight is the eve of Cian’s 1st birthday. When you are told that life passes you by quicker when you are a parent it is difficult to understand.

In the last 12 months I have given everything to make sure that our little miracle has had the most comfortable and enjoyable year possible. I can only hope that one day that he looks back and understands why it is that his parents love him so much.
It’s easy for other people to say “oh what a special baby” but the truth is he is but the only a select few will understand just what that means.

I love you son and every day I thank my lucky stars, ‘cos I got all I want and all I want is you.

Smile

2008-06-18T15:13:00.000+01:00

So then on Monday the wee man reached 10 months and no matter how many times people tell you that time goes fast you will never appreciate what they are on about.

With hindsight I can’t emphasize just how much all the ups and downs of the IVF experience was worth it. We are lucky to have been successful at the second attempt and I know that many couples strive for longer periods and have more complicated journeys, some of which come to a painful nothing, but I can only speak from my own experience.
There is hope and at times it was difficult to see the wood through the trees.

Cain has grown so fast and is a healthy and happy baby. He has his own personality and continues to do something new each day. Each day I am thankful for the gift we have been given and I intend to make the most of it.
First of all there is the smile, at first you think it is wind but soon I realised he is smiling because I am his Dad. That smile gives me the most joyful feeling and fills me with warmth.
Now he his beginning to chat, as a child I was a vocal kid and continue to be a chatter box. Nothing makes sense but he seems to know what he’s on about. In the mornings we can hear him talking to the teddies in his cot or the animals on his bedroom wall.
The screaming when he is in pain is quite another thing. It goes through you like no noise I’ve ever heard, it rips the very heart from you and leaves your ears ringing for hours.
Teething is deeply unpleasant but the good thing is he won’t remember it.

Not sure what else to say, it gets a bit boring reading minute details about other peoples kids so I’ll stop here!

The Misses remains my hero and I know that she is so very happy about having gone through the trials and tribulations. She said she loves her new job as a Mum but the hours suck.

I’m still having regular meetings with my head doctor and can’t tell you how much this has also been of benefit. Gradually my confidence has been restored and I’m feeling so much more positive and genuinely happier. I have very few dark days and have ways of dealing with them, sometimes it works sometimes it don’t.

Take care and I hope that this serves as a positive episode of our story which may be of use to someone out there.

May your God bless you.
Namaste

Hello again

2008-06-16T16:00:00.003+01:00

Bless me father, it has been 4 months since my last post.

Hello.
Cian is doing just fine and I have spent the past week away with him on holiday in Cornwall. It was great to spend some time with him and it was only 'some time' as my Mum was with us too and she whisked him off at every opportunity. Can't blame her as be are always talking about how difficult to road is to get to this point.

I have also been working away for the past few months and have much to talk about, hopefully I will post again in the next couple of days with a bit of an update.

Take care x

Wide open space

2008-02-11T21:24:00.000Z

We are running out of room, the man may be small but his stuff is plentlyful.

Cian is doing great, he's now on a diet of mushed up vegetables, baby rice and mothers milk. Little by little he is becoming his own person and no matter how much I had hoped for him to be with us, I still can't believe he is here.

I started something I couldn't finish

2008-01-21T15:51:00.000Z

There are a great many things that go unsaid.
One of the biggest and most thorny issues facing couples going through IVF is mental health. Talking helps a great deal with your mental health. You can get things off your chest, you can get answers to questions be it good or bad, its good to talk.

What happens when you don’t want to talk? The hard shell that I had around my emotions had softened somewhat over the past 9 months.
I can feel it hardening again.

I hit my rock bottom in May. A series of misdemeanours caught up with me and delivered an inevitable turning point in my life. I was broken, desperate and peering over the edge. For the first time in too long I began to talk.
It all came out with such a force that I didn’t know what was coming out next. Sentence after sentence, constant streams of consciousness poured from me.
Everything I said I meant and it was all too true.
I spoke of my thoughts and feelings for the first time in too long. Maybe this was the only time I’d been honest with myself in years.

To mask the feeling of inadequacy and general self loathing I’d indulge in copious amount of alcohol to mask anything that laid beneath my veneer.
It turns out that I suffer from depression and anxiety. Depression is a fear of what has happened and anxiety is a fear of what is to come.
Fucking brilliant huh? My therapist is excellent and has taught me some coping strategies as well as allowing me to talk.
My real fear is that I don’t know who I am and if I knew me would I like me?
I’ve tried so hard to be all things to everyone, every thought, every word uttered, every action, every overheard conversation is processed carefully to ensure that I am prepared for every outcome and possible response and most importantly of all to do the right thing.

I've set the bar so high that it is very difficult for me to acheive the goal of doing the right thing by everyone. Which means I fail far too often by my standards.
As a consequence this fear and inertia does a great deal for my confidence.

I’m defiantly on the mend since the birth of my son and there are times when I feel nothing but joy;
-When you are in bed and wake up at 4am look across at your other half and you snuggle into them. Its warm, you have time on your hands, nothing is more important than that cuddle in that moment of time.
- After giving my son his last feed at 11pm I scoop him up and hug him, Squeeze really tight, gently pressing my cheek against his, the room is dark and again there is that feeling that fills me to the brim with warmth and nothing else matters.

I’ve stopped pretending to be someone else and I’m an awful lot happier. My relationship with my wife is excellent. By not getting pissed out of my head every weekend I’m a better husband and hopefully father. I want to spend quality time with my family and will only have a couple of glasses of wine on a social occasion and not a couple of bottles.

Don’t get me wrong I’m far from fixed I still have feelings of deep guilt and have panic attacks on a regular basis. I’m still scared and I can’t forgive myself for nearly fucking things up. I’ve been really busy at work since the new year began and when I’m at home I’m very busy with the family. All of which are positives but just below the surface something is still bubbling.
Without the support of my wife I’d be long over the edge and who knows where and in what state. If I could give any advice it’d be: keep talking.
I nearly lost the most precious thing in my life and I’ll never take for granted the love and friendship I have with my misses. I love you babe x

Tomorrow is my first therapy session for a month, I can’t wait because there are some things that should never be unsaid.

Merry Christmas Everybody

2007-12-21T11:23:00.000Z

This year has brought me the most wonderful present I could have wished for.
The little man is doing really well, amazing little character developing.
Here is the man in action with one of the very many annoying toys he'll own...

Merry Christmas to you all.
With love and best wishes xxx

there is a light that never goes out

2007-12-11T15:54:00.000Z

Well here we are almost 4 months on from the arrival of our little treasure and boy has time flown.

The little fella is doing really well weighing in at 15lb 1oz. He settled into a routine of feeding and sleeping and has been in his own room for 6 weeks or so.

During the day he sleeps for exactly 30 minutes at a time, amazing biorhythm. I guess he has 4 naps a day. If he is out in the pram or the car he might sleep a little longer and at night, well we are blessed. He goes down at 7 and I give him a bottle at 11 (while the misses expresses off a bottle for the following night) he is really good through this ‘dream feed’ and wakes between 4 and 6 for another feed.

The misses gets to sleep in at weekends as I get him up and bath him and this is the time I get to see him do the fun stuff I don’t see when I’m working during the week.
I really miss out during the week as I’m out of the house before he wakes and rarely home before he is in bed. But the weekends are mine!
He really has changed so much, we had to move him out of our room because as he grew he’d bash the sides of the cot and wake himself and us and the dog.
Cian is really happy in his own room and he loves looking out of the window at the sky. He loves the leaves falling from the trees too.

Just last weekend he had a little cold and on closer inspection we could see he has a tooth trying to make its way out. So the bibs are on and fingers are in the mouth constantly.
We took him away for the misses’ birthday to a fantastic hotel and he was as good as gold. Fortunately the hotel we stayed in had a suite which meant we could eat room service in a lounge area and not sit in the bathroom waiting for him to fall asleep.

Sorry about the random nature of the post, things just keep popping up and structure is boring anyway.

So would I go through it all again? The jury is still out, IVF can bring you pain as well as the joy we have found. We are so very lucky to be where we are today and not in our wildest dreams did we expect it to turn out this well.

All apologies - Part 2

2007-11-28T17:00:00.000Z

Everything is good, here come the excuses

Laptop trauma - ruined hard drive, not able to blog from work but now back in the saddle.

Job trauma - Company purchased a competitor, period of 'alignment' caught in the middle as an employee rep, found out today that job is secure. phew

Cian is doing really well, full post to follow soon.

Take care everyone xxx

Harvest Moon

2007-09-11T16:05:00.000+01:00

It’s a little over a year since I began blogging about my IVF experience. This time nobody rained on my parade and we were very, very, very fortunate to achieve the goal we so desperately wished for.
Along this leg of the journey I have learned about myself, which is why I wanted to record my thoughts and experiences. I’m not mad but have finally opened myself up to therapy which I hope will make me a better person. I want to be a better person so that my misses can have a husband she can rely on for support, love and the things and feelings that go unsaid. I also want to be a better person in order to set a good example for my son.

Cian is just awesome, a real dream come true. He means so much to me and I cant stop hugging him, smelling him, looking at him, talking about him and thinking about him. Finally we have a break in people coming to our house which means I get to have him all to myself and not make frequent trips to the supermarket and make cups of tea.

I just wanted to say a word about my wife. I can not begin to state just how much admiration I have for her. What's more I can not begin to say just how much she means to me and that her strength and support makes me the man I am today.

I’m not exactly fitter, but I am happier.

Oh yeah, I'm really into Neil Young at the moment. I used to think he was all old man rock and whine whine whinge but it turns out he has sung some of the most beautiful songs ever recorded.

Being a girl

2007-08-29T09:52:00.001+01:00

I have been reliably informed that when your child is born the testosterone levels in the father decreases. This is to allow father and child to bond, it also turns the father into a girl.

Instance No 1 -
Happily sitting on the sofa watching Casino Royale with the boys (Cian and the dog) and I should have been marveling at the beautiful Aston Martin DB9 sport with added defibrillator or the array of fine stunts and Daniel Craig's new super macho version of 007. I say should have been because what actually happened is that I was sitting there and blurted out, "He loves her, oh man he loves her. She's going to die now" and it was delivered without an ounce of irony or sarcasm. I meant it I was worried for Bond and how would he cope if she died, he has never opened is heart....
See what I mean? I'm not supposed to think or say those things.

Instance No 2 -
In the kitchen with the misses chatting about our anniversary and what to have for dinner whilst enjoying a really lovely embrace (see doing it again) I opened my eyes and glanced over her shoulder and said "sorry babe there is a mark on the fridge door" I picked up a cloth, ran it under the hot tap, walked over to the fridge and wiped the mark away. Then picked up a paper towel to wipe away the water mark left by the cloth and then turned round to see the misses open mouthed with jaw on the floor before I said "I'm turning into a woman please make it stop!!"

I feel a little more like my old self today, perhaps I'll put on Apocalypse Now and marvel at the natural beauty of the Vietnamese fauna and flora......no no no that's not hows it goes......

In a blink of an eye

2007-08-23T13:12:00.000+01:00

A week has passed since our little miracle appeared and boy has it been busy.

Cian and Amanda we're kept in the hospital until Monday so the specialists could keep an eye on them both. There were some difficulties during the later stages of labour but all is well with them both. I was so very pleased to have them home with me at last.

It's an amazing experience the birth of a child. We had waited and hoped that maybe one day we would be fortunate enough to get there. We dared to dream, had hopes dashed and felt the pits of despair. This baby of ours was so wanted and we are happier than we could have ever imagined.

I hope that other bloggers can find hope as we did and that you also dare to dream.

With Love xxx

Hello Sunshine

2007-08-17T00:24:00.000+01:00

Bean arrived today at 13:50 (London time)

Name: Cian Thomas John (Surname)
Weight: 7lb 2oz

Mum and baby doing well, everyone is exhausted after 2 days with no sleep but so very delighted. I'm in a state of delerium. I must sleep but here are some pix:

Any day now

2007-08-15T13:09:00.000+01:00

Still awaiting the arrival of Bean.
A is sleeping much better and I'm being less of a pain in the hole!

There was a meteor shower last Sunday which coincided with the 30th anniversary of Elvis's death and I was sure Bean would arrive, alas......

Thanks again to you all for your support and kind words and site visits.
This blog community is very special to me and I enjoy reading about others life experiences. It not only keeps my feet on the ground but provides such comfort knowing there are many people going through difficult circumstances and coming out the other side.

Heres hoping and praying that the next few days continue to bring us good fortune

The Boxer

2007-08-09T11:32:00.000+01:00

consultant
noun [C]
1 someone who advises people on a particular subject:
a management/financial/computer consultant
a firm of public relations consultants

2 UK a specialist (= doctor with special training and knowledge in a particular area of medicine)

3 A breed of patronising asshole who really deserves to be kicked in the bollocks at regular intervals thus ensuring the smug persona is kept in check

_______________________________________________

The hospital visit went pretty well and if Bean decides not to appear before, then the misses is booked in for Induction next Saturday (18th).
The scan showed Bean is healthy but the sad thing is that we struggled to tell what was what at this late stage. I love looking at Bean on the ultrasound and marveling at the seemingly impossible sight of our little miracle.
A still expects to be told that there is no baby there and it's all been a mistake.

Measurements are all just above average to initial fears of a whopper have been allayed. Bean should weigh something like 7lb 11oz.
The sonographer, maternity assistant and midwife were all very friendly and a pleasure to deal with.
The consultant on the other hand was feckin eejit. Why do they have to speak like you are a dribbling moron? Needless to say I had to put him straight and the remainder of the consultation was very matter of fact. I know I shouldn't be surprised or angered but man they get on my tits with the way they treat you.

If there is any news over the weekend then I'll keep the blog updated.

Take care everyone
Px

How do you sleep?

2007-08-08T10:11:00.000+01:00

4am - "sorry I didn't mean to scare you"

I must have looked terrified being woken by the slightest of touches by A.
Thing is I've been sleeping so very well the past few weeks. You could say that my sleep is more akin to hibernation. Today though we were both awake at 4 and not getting up to catch a flight.

The misses has been having sh*t sleeping patterns and rarely gets more than 3 hours at a time. As she commented yesterday "if the bodies way of preparing you for sleep deprivation is by depriving you of sleep then how does that stack up?"

We are going to see a consultant at the hospital tomorrow and may need another scan to check everything is ok. Don't think there is anything to worry about but if there is the slightest concern then rest assured I will blow it up, keep it inside and worry like Mr Worrier winner of last years biggest worrier of the year competition.

Happy/excited and just a little scared!!

2007-08-07T13:22:00.000+01:00

Somebody told me

2007-08-03T09:29:00.000+01:00

2 weeks to go and the evil hormones have kicked in!! Poor A she is fed up and has a bad foot, is suffering from a severe lack of sleep and the British Summer has finally arrived. I'm doing my best impression of a good supportive husband and so far so good. I think I'm getting to grips with this whole thing.

I'm so very excited now and everyday feels like christmas eve.

The 'Travel System' arrived yesterday. In the old days they called it a pushchair but in an effort to justify the high cost and generate interest from the male of the species they came up with the masterstroke of calling it a 'Travel System'.

It's brilliant, pram this way, do a bit of pushing pulling and un-popping of buttons and hey its a pushchair. The car seat also clips straight into the frame. It also has an assortment of attachements, rain cover, warm foot cover (small and large), sun blind thing and a couple of other bits to keep me amused. The car seat fits well and with practice I think I'll manage to get the process down to 7-10 seconds like the Ferarri F1 pit team. Sh*t, never thought I'd be so happy to have a pushchair/travel system.

Baby Bean is getting big and indications are that it'll be around or above the 9lb weight. Looks like another scan is required as the baby is gonna be big. All the bags are packed, we have 4 in total. 2 for Bean, 1 for A and 1 general bag with the camera, video camera, sweets & snacks, medical notes, lists...
My mate also advised me to put a pillow in the car with a change of clothes, man its like going on vacation and every bit as exciting.

My head is being fixed by the head doctor and everything is much more positive.

Everlong

2007-07-20T10:31:00.000+01:00

Hello, I've waited here for you....

So we are at 36 weeks and hopefully I'm just a short time from meeting Bean.
It feels as though it has been an extraordinarily long time coming from those first steps on the IVF trail. Not for a moment has the feeling of doubt left me. We are so close and still can't believe how well it is going.

The misses is in great health and everything is ready and waiting. Everything remains crossed and it's difficult no to get carried away and allow myself to get too excited.

Ain't got no....

2007-07-02T12:50:00.000+01:00

Nina Simone, wow what a woman what a voice.
Me and the misses took a short trip down to North Cornwall and I duly loaded the iPod with some new material. I'm unsure if it was the mood of the music or that I was felling very relaxed and open but every song that blasted out made me want to cry. Cry in a good way I was sort of euphoric and filled with energy during one song 'Ain't got no/ I got life'.
So I now have 3 songs to pick me up when I'm low!!

33 weeks down and gradually the misses is getting a little more uncomfortable and finding it difficult to sleep most nights. The kicking and moving seems to increase when I'm chatting or singing which I'm taking as a positive!

Great news over at 'Pattycake' & 'Gills blog, please pop over and offer them some encouragement. It really means a great deal to get a kind word, I know that I have benefited.

Well we're heading into the final stages and I hope to update a little more frequently.

Take care
px

Tellin' stories

2007-06-14T20:50:00.001+01:00

I am preparing for the very serious business of fatherhood by taking note of some highly recommended literature. In other news Bean's room is coming along very nicely and I have some pictures available here.

The misses is 31 weeks into this adventure and the Doc said that the baby is likely to be around the 9lb mark. Both she and Bean are healthy and both have been advised to take things a little more leisurely. Bean is quite active and likes to party into the wee small hours, can't think where that comes from........Around 5am I can pretty much guarantee the smell of fresh toast wafting from the kitchen as Bean orders another snack from room service. Baby Bean also seems to enjoy ice cream, breakfast cereal, oranges and spicy food (especially Indian).

I'm doing a little better and have strted to deal with my problems by talking it through with a profesional. It's a long road but I'm in a really positive mood.

Little Bear

2007-06-08T12:34:00.000+01:00

30 weeks and all is well. Bean is a real livewire, moving, hiccuping, punching getting feet stuck in the misses rib cage.
We still can't believe how lucky we are.

We've managed to decorate the baby's room and it is begining to fill with nappies, clothes, bedding and assorted stuff. It really is happening.

Hope you are all doing well
p x

Karma Police

2007-05-15T14:41:00.000+01:00

Everything is good with the misses and Bean, however...

Struggling with motivation to update the blog at the moment as everything should be so right but its all so wrong. Need some time to sort myself out.

Take care and I hope to be back soon x

Hey, turn that music up......

2007-05-02T16:03:00.000+01:00

Bean is a lively little one, I have been trying to ensure that good tunes are being heard by Bean.
So far not a fan of Depeche Mode or Bloc Party, Does like some fast paced Funky House music and Scott Matthews.

Till there was you

2007-04-23T13:16:00.000+01:00

Where to start? So much has happened and so much of it pretty boring.

Bean is doing really well. The 22 week scan showed that Bean is approx 1lb 6oz and growing at the end of the scale. There seems to be no doubt that he/she will be a monster. My poor misses......

The scan also showed a profile shot and you can clearly see hands, feet, spine, heart and sadly for Bean a nose as pointy as mine. I'll try and add the latest scan picture later on tonight.

The misses is well and enjoying the unseasonably good weather we are enjoying in the UK. No rain and 15 days of temperatures in the 70's. She has an ever increasing bump and I can feel bean moving about. It is a fantastic feeling.

Oh and we decided on a boys name yesterday which came with no arguments and no discussion, it just sounded right which is pretty cool. Girls names however are proving a little more tricky.

Roadtrippin'

2007-03-30T13:53:00.000+01:00

Tonight we begin a 1000 mile roadtrip to see some family. Today we are going to begin from london and down the evil M4 motorway to Wales.
A's brother moved there last summer with his wife and our 2 beautiful nieces. We found out last week that they are also expecting a new arrival in October.
It is a beautiful part of the world despite the fact that the girls have picked up a Welsh accent! I always manage to corrupt them in a few hours. Before we leave them on Monday I'll have them talking like Londoners which will annoy the sister in law.

On Monday we drive from Wales to Scotland to stay with A's aunt and uncle in the Border region. Again it is such a beautiful place and the misses' family make me very welcome. Whilst she has to sit around drinking tea and chatting with the aunt's I get to go to the pub and get hammered with the male folk or play some golf.

I'll be back after Easter and hopefully we'll have an updated scan and an update.
Take care
Px

Kick

2007-03-26T17:28:00.000+01:00

Bean is becoming quite lively, the misses feels these little sensations many times during the day and they are becoming stronger.
I have been desperate to feel a kick or elbow or headbutt for the past 10 days and I have managed on one occasion to feel a bump against my hand.

We still are so very excited and cautious. A is doing very well and in excellent health.

Take care p x

Strange brew

2007-03-16T15:45:00.000Z

Everything has been going well this week for the Misses and Bean.

The nightly trip to the toilet and countless hours of being awake are beginning to give the misses a little grief but on the whole she is still very healthy and we are still so very thankful.

Tomorrow is St Patrick's Day and an important date in our calender.

First thing tomorrow we trade in my Sporty 2 door German coupe for a not so sporty 5 door German car. I have promised not to sulk.

Then it's breakfast at me Ma's with the family and the afternoon will be spent at one of my Uncles house with a hundred or so family members, kids, dogs, friends and Guinness.

The misses will then gallantly drive us to our friends house where we will be having more Guinness and a BBQ. I will be mostly singing Irish songs for the entire hour journey along the motorway. Fortunately I have an excellent voice.

Sunday will be spent in recovery and I'll be booking my liver in for a service first thing Monday.

Have a great weekend and I hope you enjoy the link below.....

http://www.guinness.com/gb_en/StPats2007/dance.html?UID=AC7142

The Fields of Athenry

2007-03-10T20:52:00.000Z

Hello Bean part 2.

Well today was great for two reasons.

Number 1 reason for a good day was that we got to see Bean again. Manda has a very very cool friend who brought us a session at a private clinic for an ultrasound scan. It was even more special as neither of our Mums had ever seen an ultrasound scan of their kids (my ma had 3 boys and m's mum had a boy and a girl) so there we all were in this private clinic m's mum & dad, my ma, me and manda. Into the little room we went and Bean appeared in a matter of seconds. It was great to see the grandparents faces as Bean moved to and fro. Elbows, feet and and face came into and out of focus and there were "oohs" and "ahhhs" from all. What an event it was I'm so pleased that they got to see Bean.

The 2nd reason is that Ireland beat Scotland in the Six Nations championship. It is a big deal to rugby fans in northern Europe and I'm a Paddy whilst the misses is a Scott. The Irish managed to win by a point but the victory means bragging rights for another 12 months.

Eireann go Brach !

Low lie the fields of Atherny,
Where once we watched the small freebird fly.........

2007-03-09T10:36:00.000Z

Hi Brenda

I did take a picture but it was really rubbish. It was a small white crescent in a sea of black, so I thought I'd borrow this beautiful picture.

I hope you are well and thank you for stopping by to read my nonsense.

Bad moon rising

2007-03-06T11:47:00.000Z

Wow, Last Saturday evening me and the misses were lucky enough to witness a lunar eclipse.

These beautiful moments are difficult to see from the UK as 52% of our days are overcast so I was delighted to have such a clear sky on Saturday.

Whilst we were outside I could hear some kids (it was late about 11.30pm) and they were delighted to be outside at such a late hour. It got me thinking and I hope to bore my kids silly (I or my peers did not appreciate Science or History until I was in my mid twenties), drag them outside in the middle of the night and say "hey look at that, isn't it marvelous?" I expect Bean to shrug shoulders and say "s'alright".

The very fact I can picture this makes me feel cautious but ultimately optimistic.

Sorry, this post does not make much sense and I'm not even sure if it has a point.

But that is why we have bloggs right?

MIA

2007-03-05T14:34:00.000Z

Need to do some catching up, so lets start with the good stuff.

The misses is doing just fine. Last Friday we had another midwife appointment which went really well. Bean has a very strong heartbeat and well, so far so good.
The midwife was really lovely and a pleasant change from the witch we encountered on our first visit.

Everyday that we get further into the pregnancy we continue to count our lucky stars. Not for a single moment have we taken this for granted. The misses is feeling much better during this stage of the pregnancy but has not had any wired cravings yet other than a new found desire to drink an illuminus fizzy orange drink call Tango oh and this weekend I smell like chocolate milk apparantly.

I've been not so good and as usual, hid it from the very person who can help me most. Anyway had a chat on Saturday night and I do feel much better.
I don't want to explore it too much today 'cos I feel good. I know I need to get a couple of things out of my mind.

"I wander hopelessly trying to think about me
But I’m trying to forget the things that dwell on me
Sitting on a horse to the wind and sit in my comfortable tree
Mesmerised by the beautiful sky sit thinking where I wanna be
I'm gonna sleep with the peaceful moon again until the sun bleeds through
my eyes
I’m gonna wait until the morning comes to wipe the sleep out from my eyes "

Scott Matthews - Dream Song

2007-02-18T17:39:00.000Z

The wonder of you

2007-02-16T20:27:00.000Z

Hello

Back again after some blogger account trauma.

So, hows it going? Since I've last been able to blog an awful lot has happened in 3 weeks. Most importantly we had our 12 week scan.

Bean is doing just fine and whilst I play it cool with the misses, Inside I was desperate to hear that everything was OK. A lot of people pin so much significance to the 12 week scan that you can't help but be dragged along with the feeling that after this point it's ok or not ok.

My outward inertia belied the feeling of fear beneath my seeming cool exterior. To say I was shitting myself is an understatement.

For me all I wanted to hear from the the team at the hospital was that everything is alright.

I was so delighted I can not describe the feeling. In actual fact I have not articulated this to A and the first time she Will know about it is about 10 minutes after I post this.

Sorry I said feck all hon, I just didn't want to add to your worry.

Ok so without further a do, ladies and gentleman please say hello to Bean.

One Step Closer

2007-01-25T23:04:00.000Z

OK on the recurring music theme I have running through my titles I thought I'd share something that made me a little aggressive, well actually it was more like rage. Angry young man rage, something I remember from 16 years ago when I was an angry young man trying to make sense of it all....snap out of it.

So my new job means I have the pleasure of commuting into London. Idyllic thoughts spring to mind of plush carriage's full of interesting characters. The men all in bowler hats off to the city to ensure our pensions funds and investments are being looked after. Young children with their Nanny's off to feed the birds (tuppence a bag) outside St Paul's Cathedral.

The hustle and bustle of the London Tube and suburban railway links are a million miles from auld London Town. One reason why Linkin Park on the iPod is a bad idea. The other is that I'm 32.
Grow up EMO is for the kids.

Break Me Gently

2007-01-24T13:51:00.000Z

The new boy is settleing in.
There are always going to be difficulties when starting a new job and I definatly did not expect to have such a tough situation from day 1. You see I was headhunted for this role which is a completly new experience to me. The conversation contained this passage
"what me?"
"yes, they would be really interested in talking to you"
"are you sure that they want to speak to me though?"
"yes but if you don't phone in the next few minutes........"

I hung up to make the call and well here I am. I was interviewed by the big boss and he offered me the job more or less straight away and I agreed. Thing is, he employed me without my immediate boss meeting me and that has really pissed him off. So from Day 1 I have my work cut out to impress the man. Oh well.

This has been another important step away from the cloud that followed me around for so long. Depression really gets a hold of you and strangles out any self belief you may have. I have a renewed sense of worth and am full of positive energy which stems from the good baby news back before Christmas.

It is all to easy to forget how down I was feeling and now I can look forward to looking forward.

The misses is doing well, she is still taking things very easy and continues to feel nauseous almost everyday. Bean seems to be growing OK, judging by the new clothes that have appeared over the past few days. The next scan is now just 12 days away and we can't wait to see how our Bean is getting on.

We hope to get away for a few days before too long and enjoy some time together. Bean might appreciate the fresh air and I'm sure someday soon A will be able to enjoy more than a few hours without wanting to throw up.

Got the skills to pay the bills

2007-01-15T21:05:00.000Z

What a shit couple of weeks. I have been working my arse off at work on a project for 3 months and the last few weeks have been the most stressful. I have been working more hours than anyone else in the company. I have been delivering on lead times, solving problems and all without a single thank you. I know most people hate their jobs and I do not expect to get a pat on the back for turning up at work every morning. But you would think that after 3 months of working hard and delivering results the boss would pull you to one side and say ‘ nice one’. Nope fuck all. Silence.

I have thrown a few hissy fits at home and the misses had been backing me up and been tremendously supportive.

Then I relax and remember that what really matters is the 3 B’s –

My Beautiful wife

Bean

The Boy (my dog, jimi hendrix)

The misses has been in great form but feeling very sick most of the time. Food is bought then stored in the fridge and sometimes makes the plate before being thrown in the bin. I feel for her as even her favourite foods are making her feel nauseous.
- She has just announced that Green Thai Curry is also off the menu forever –

The Bean is growing and the belly is protruding, I can’t wait for the 12 week scan to get another look at the little beauty. I swing from feeling to feeling on the sex but we can’t bear to get to far ahead of ourselves.

The Boy is becoming a little more protective and we have spoilt the dopey little sod so much that we are not sure how he will be if we are lucky enough to get to meet Bean.

Oh by the way I had an interview today for a new job and was given the opportunity to head up a department in one of Europe’s biggest communications companies. I’m delighted and can’t wait to tell my current boss to ‘do one’ tomorrow morning.

It's 'Bean' a while

2007-01-06T11:00:00.000Z

Yesterday (Friday) we had our first scan and the misses was on tenterhooks. I was pretty relaxed about the whole thing as she seems to looking pregnant with things like a bump is growing, the boob fairy has defiantly paid a visit and everything in the kitchen turns her stomach.

So we were absolutely blown away to see a little 'Bean' with a heartbeat on the ultrasound.
Bean is developing at a good rate 14mm in length and is only a couple of days behind (7w5d).

There is a palatable relief and even though the misses has to remain careful and cautious we have a 95% chance of going full term which is the best odds we've had so far.

So there it is, little Bean is lighting up my January.

I need a trip to Fun Land

2006-12-29T12:06:00.000Z

Working between Christmas and New Year is a waste of time.

I can't even muster the enthusiasm to look for another job. I'd rather be having a walk with the misses and the dog or sinking pints in a pub with my brother.

The warm Christmas memories will hopefully remain long enough into the new year to beat off that feeling of hate I have for January. It is a strange thing to have a massive dislike for a month but it never brings anything good. Everyone has a dark misery cloud over their heads for the entire month, everyone is skint, the weather is shite and all I look forward to is the FA Cup third round.

We have our first scan next Friday and I can only hope that everything is alright. The misses is feeling pretty queezy most of the time but in truth we have no idea how things are progressing.

We are just hopeful.

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.
~Benjamin Franklin
May you all have a very Happy New Year xx

Have yourself a merry little christmas

2006-12-23T18:35:00.000Z

May your heart be light.

May I wish everybody a very merry christmas.

Paul x

Learn to fly

2006-12-18T20:13:00.000Z

Feeling festive if little tired. My job is getting me down and I'm looking forward to the few days off at Christmas.
I have been doing my best to help the misses remain comfortable and stress free.

I have learnt the following things that I should already know but 'cos I'm a bloke its new to me:

I actually now know that the different washing machine settings really do mean something.
I know that the mass of cleaning products under the sink are plenty and there a great many things to remember when you cleaning different rooms.
I know that I'm no expert and I miss a few things.
I know that I had no idea how hard work it is keeping a home as well as doing a job.
I know that it keeps getting dirty as soon as you have finished cleaning.
I know I'm going to have to continue this for some time

In bloom

2006-12-12T20:59:00.000Z

Finally I have five minutes to download my brain after an eventful few days.

Friday - initial hysteria and disbelief carried us through the day and into the evening, jaw ache from smiling and just a couple of glasses of Verve Cliquot in the company of some friends topped the day off very nicely.

Saturday - Another test another (stronger) line wow it really is happening. It was my birthday this weekend and I had pre arranged with my brother an afternoon out at the rugby. Before coming onto that afternoon/evening/next morning we had some visitors.

The misses brother moved to Wales in the summer with his wife their two beautiful daughters.
This weekend they were staying at the MIL's and we spent the morning there catching up and playing with the girls. Everyone was so delighted with our news and really pleased for us both. It was great not to have to have 'those' thoughts. (By 'those' I mean the bad ones)
The misses stayed with them all day and enjoyed the fun and games you have with a 2 and 4 year old.
Meanwhile I went out with my brother on the train to the match (acting like a pair of 8 year olds) chatting, laughing and generally being boys. I hadn't felt this relaxed for such a long time.
We had trouble getting to the stadium and the queues for the shuttle bus went on for miles. We ended up chatting to a bus driver who's route sort of went near the stadium and I persuaded 40-50 people that I knew where I was going and if the wanted to get to the game on time they should follow me!! We did make 10 minutes into the game and a good crowd of 17,000 were in full voice and my team was winning. Our team were playing a much stronger side and we had not even hoped to get near them let alone beat them comfortably. More beer, more chatting to the lads from Ulster another cab ride, another pub, more beer, cab ride home, fall into bed 3.30am.

Sunday (Birthday; 32 and already had the best present ever!)- Ouch. I knew I'd booked a hangover and here it was.
The girls came over to our house and helped me open my gifts and blew out the candles on my cake. When they left all I managed to do was lay on the couch all day with the misses but it was perfect. We did another test and kept grinning.

Monday - Off to work (man I'm having a tough time even with the good news each day is just a constant battle) then off to the clinic in the afternoon for the blood test. The blood went to the lab and the results came in this morning: HCG level322 (14dp3dt) which is very good news. We have a scan booked for 5th Jan ( 7 weeks) which will be our last visit to the clinic before we are handed over to the good old NHS. Spent the afternoon at me Ma's house and loved it as she phoned the rest of the family and her friends to let them know.

We have been so very touched by peoples kindness. Family and friends and people we don't know have expressed kind wishes.
The blog community has proved very important to us and I never dreamed that I would find such hope, inspiration, information, warmth, positivity and friendship as genuine and sincere as I have. As we both have.
Thank you all so very much, with much love
Paul and Amanda xx

"F*** me, there are two lines"

2006-12-08T12:18:00.000Z

Woohoo!!

Woke up this morning at 6.33 after not really sleeping very well and in the most unromantic moment we've ever had in our bed asked "do you need to go to the toilet yet?"

The misses in the the bathroom and shouts "F*** me there are two lines".

It was true, I never expected it to actually work but it's bloody true.

Phoned the Mum's, who were naturally delighted, held it together with a dose of realism. You know the convesation - "early days, blood test Monday, it's only 99% accurate etc"

Got in the car and burst into tears after 2 minutes.

So delighted.
I changed the words a little to Bob Dylan's Tangled up in blue:

Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',
I was layin' in bed
Wond'rin' if she'd peed at all
If her stick had turned pink!!

गणेश

2006-12-06T22:53:00.000Z

May Ganesh, the god of good fortune, be with you all.

Namaste

I just don't know what to do with myself

2006-12-06T21:32:00.000Z

Mmmm, Okay, alright, yeah not bad, oh you know, good thanks, fine, average, how are you?

All answers to the question that greets you more times than you care to remember in a day. People have asked about my well being over 30 times today. Only 2 or 3 actually were interested in the response.
Why do you bother asking people how they are? Common courtesy I suppose and I've never really gauged the reaction with so much interest before. We are all guilty though of not really giving a shit if someone you work with is going through the mill or is on top of the world.

Truth is I have no idea how I feel. I have been very busy in my job (working stupid hours so far this week) and things are not to clever with the project I am running. However it has kept my mind off the dreaded wait for long patches of time. My misses has been really struggling and we speak 5 or 6 times a day to check up on each other. This is also not the normal pattern. I really don't know what to do, we really don't know what to do.

Also there has been some possible good news from blog buddies which has really turned things upside down. Do we do a test yet? Dare we do a test yet? That was a rhetorical question by the way, please don't make it harder for us!! - Good luck girls we are thinking of you.

We have the old blood test booked for Monday afternoon. Tick bloody tock.

I was sent this by a collegue who was trying give me some inspiration as my project decends into a big pile of wet elephant shit:

perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim
-Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Utter bollocks.

Try Not To Breathe

2006-12-03T01:02:00.001Z

This time last year I was in Nepal climbing a few hills and eventually getting to a peak of 4100m (nearly 14,000 feet). Now, if I thought that trekking in the Himalaya was tough, I was wrong.

Nepal is a fantastic country, we visited during a cease fire and were trekking in a part of the country that was overrun by Maoist rebels however, our trek leaders had planned ahead and written to the head honchos. We had been granted a safe passage through the mountains and we're guaranteed a stress free stroll in the foothills of the highest peaks on planet earth. We we're unaware of this (typical tourists) however I had been following the political situation with some interest and thought that we may meet some freedom fighters on our travels. If truth be told I was actually very keen on meeting these people, as long as no one was going to point an AK47 at me or my Mum. Oh I forgot to say that I did this trek with me Ma.
Any way all we really had to do on this once in a lifetime experience was walk. We had sherpa’s to carry the baggage, tents, food, etc.

I fell in love with the county and the people but most of all this experience made me realise just how fucking lucky I am to be me. More importantly I taught me just how fortunate I am to be able to have choices in life.

This 2WW is really getting to me. My Misses has been amazing, not a single whinge. She has been really unwell since the egg collection but has not complained once. It kills me to see her hurting physically.
In many ways it is a piece of piss for us fellas, we’ve done our bit and are allowed to get on with our usual patterns. After the last attempt at IVF we are more prepared for things not to go our way.
It still really hurts though to see her not at 100% and every time she twinges I am immediately concerned. All we can do is wait………

River Deep, Mountain High

2006-12-01T23:58:00.000Z

Hello world. This is the first drunk post.
It's really unfair how I can now do whatever I want and get drunk whilst the misses has to keep it together.

I honestly did not expect to have other people reading my blog and feel that I may have changed my style of blogging since I became aware that there is an excellent support network of people I have never met, but who really understand what me and the Misses are going through.

So on behalf of the Misses and I, a heartfelt thank you is in order. We read your blogs with interest and it has had such a big impact on our lives that we are both eager to chat about your posts and wish you all the very best in your IVF adventures.
You are all in our thoughts and anyone who is going through this process has our sincere best wishes.

Partnership is the key to keeping sane in my experience, so here is how I feel expressed by words I can never put together:

Do I love you my oh my
River deep, mountain high
If I lost you would I cry
Oh how I love you baby, baby, baby, baby
-Performed by Ike And Tina Turner
- Written by Ellie Greenwich, Jeff Barry, and Phil Spector

Born Of Frustration

2006-11-30T23:42:00.000Z

I'm living in the weirdest dream
Where nothing is the way it seems
Where no ones who they need to be
Where nothing seems that real to me
What can we build our lives upon
No wall of stone, no solid ground
The world is spinning endlessly
Were clinging to our own beliefs
-Tim Booth
Can't articulate the feeling we are feeling, just very frustrated and can't stand this infernal wait.

Stick with you

2006-11-27T16:14:00.000Z

This morning we had a call from the clinic. The senior embryologist apologised for not calling us yesterday but there really was little news he could have given us.
We were both a little on edge and even though it is sensible to deduce that no news is good news, this whole IVF journey has, if nothing else, made me a little sceptical.

Turns out the 4 little beauties had done well over the weekend and two in particular we're making excellent progress. (In the UK you are only allowed to have 2 embryos transferred)
Naturally we were delighted and made the journey into London with a good feeling.

Again the staff greeted us like royalty and the Doc was as calm as ever.
We were given an enhanced photo of the 2 embryos which will hopefully one day make it into a photo album. "and heres you 72 hours after conception.."

So with the misses on the operating table and after a brief chat with the embryologist the Doc said "OK, lets make you pregnant."
Last time I couldn't see through my teary eyes as I was in awe of the whole process. This time I was on hand to actually give the misses some support! It really is an amazing moment.

Everything so far has gone to plan and I hope the little magic embryos manage to get a snug little place to settle and hold on. Shes gonna have to take it easy and fortunately her boss has allowed her time off work which is a good thing.

Lucky

2006-11-25T17:01:00.000Z

I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time,
I feel my luck could change.
- Thom Yorke

The call came. We have 4 fertilized eggs. Find out about the quality tomorrow,

Night Swimming

2006-11-24T16:32:00.000Z

Wow.
Today got off to a great start. 16 follicles from the misses and my count had increased to 20 million.
At last, I'm Mr Average!!

The embryologist came into the recovery area when the misses went into the operating theatre to have a little 'chat' with me. She explained that there had been a recent science paper which showed and incresed rate to motality/morphology whatever when more than one sample was given. Our clinic were keen to go along with this advice from the research.

Embryologist: "so, we would like you to produce 3 samples for us today"

Me: "three?"

E: "yes sir"

Me: "you are aware that I am not 19?"

Nothing like an ill timed joke however she laughed gracfully and I agreed to try my best.

The misses was in a little discomfort when she first came round but we were more hopeful once we had received good news about the quality of my sample(s). We had swimmers (woo hoo)
It was certanly a great deal better than the first IVF attempt.

So right now we are at home. I am enjoying my first beer for 12 weeks and feeling pretty optimistic.

We find out tomorrow about the quality of the embryos.

My wife has been (as ever) so very brave. Her strength and determination knows no bounds and I understand just how much she wants this to work. We have prepared well and we hope for the best. Babe, I love you xx

slán

Tomorrow never knows

2006-11-23T21:58:00.000Z

"Turn off your mind, Realx
and float down stream" - Lennon/McCartney 1966

One day to go and the misses has been a real trooper. Not a single whinge
whilst I've been like an angst ridden teenager going through growing
pains.
I'm unapologetic about this though as it has been important for me to
genuinely express how I feel. Looking back over the past 10-12 weeks it's been up and down but overall I'm really quite surprised by how I feel tonight. Whilst we are far from any kind of finishing line its a relief to be at this point.

I am so incredibly proud of my wife and really want things to go well. We've both followed medical advice to ensure that we have given ourselves the best possible chance.
We have been taking the correct vitamin supplements, eating a very balanced diet of organic food and little or no red meat meat. In fact we've almost become vegetarians. No alcohol at all (yes really none) and even though I still do not cut a figure like an olympic athlete I feel healthier than I can remember.

My answerphone had a message on it when I left the office tonight, it was me Ma.
Mums always know the right things to say, and I'm not going to repeat the message but all I'll say is that I love me Ma and all she has ever done is love and encourage me.
I don't tell her enough.

The misses in tucked up in Bed and we leave fro the clinic at 7am. 25 miles from the clinic but getting into central London can take up to 90 minutes.

I'm genuinely excited for the first time in weeks. (Unusually it's not because after nearly 3 months I can finally have a beer) I am really feeling positive and its all down to my brilliant wife.

Who knows what will become of the follicles and my lazy spermatozoa tomorrow. All I know is that we've done all we can and we're 100% together.

All the small things

2006-11-21T17:38:00.000Z

Had a great weekend with the misses.
Friday night was date night and we went to see a movie (Borat) laughed ourselves silly ate a bucket of popcorn and had a really enjoyable night.
Saturday we went to lake nearby with my brother and the two dogs. The 5 mile walk just sailed by with crisp blue sky and the trees dropping their coloured leaves was a really heart warming sight. Chatting about the small things that matter and not thinking about IVF made a real change.

I did bring the subject up towards the end of the walk and the feeling was that we were unsure if we had a feeling about it at all!!

The misses has another scan tomorrow before the egg harvest on Friday. She has a cute little pot belly where the eggs are growing and the doc says there are about 16 (last time there were 24) which will hopefully mean she won't be as uncomfortable as last time.

Friday is coming and I'm hoping for the best. My men have been well trained and I hope they decide to fucking behave themselves and give the embryologist an easier task than last time.

Then its back on Monday to find out how many have embryos have been developing over the weekend and if they are any good transfered back to their home.

Then comes the wait..................................................................

Helter Skelter

2006-11-16T17:59:00.000Z

On my way back up to the top o’ the slide after spending some quality time inside my own head.
The misses goes in for a scan tomorrow morning to check on the egg generation. We had plenty to choose from on our first attempt and I hope that this time also provides a generous crop.

Been reading more blogs which I have tried to resist but they have given me heart. There are a few men who are articulating their experience and its great feel that you are not alone.
(Thanks for the message of encouragement Smarshy)

It seems that the IVF experience differs slightly this side of the pond but the emotions are very much the same.
Excuse me whilst I get my ‘Prana’ back in check.

Anything else?

2006-11-11T20:20:00.000Z

Fuck it.
Yesterday (Friday) was our visit to the clinic. The misses had to have a small op to assist in the IVF/ICSI process and to pick up her daily injections which started yesterday.

Whilst we were waiting to go into the pre op area in the main reception a young girl was crawling around. I was not in the feckin mood to talk to anyone least of all a baby. The child (inevitably) crawled up to me smiled and tried to climb my leg. Despite my snarl and general non interest body language, the child (we later established her name was Mary) really wanted to get on my lap.

Not that it mattered but the child had downs syndrome and her smile was warm enough to make my day. I picked her up and she sat quite contently then played the get down get back up game until we were called into the pre op area.

The Misses was questioned by the anaesthetist checking to ensure that there would be no sign that her teeth would fall out or uncontrollable vomiting if he got the dose wrong. Thankfully the routine op (chargeable of course) went without a hitch and 30 minutes later she was in the recovery area checking the heart rate monitor attached to her finger every 2 minutes. It kept me amused for awhile at least this time after being knocked out and doped up she refrained from attempting to repeatedly hug the nurse.

Whilst she was in the recovery room I was summoned for my SA. The humiliation room was restocked with different reading material than before. Dignity stripped I want back and sat with the misses until she was felling a bit more normal.

Before we left to go home the doc wanted to have a ‘chat’ with us.
The SA showed a massive improvement on the count 14 million up from 3 million in August when we tried for the first time.
Brilliant, the non drinking, healthy eating, vitamin popping, exercise taking lifestyle had paid off. Had it bollocks.

Turns out the mortality rate and abnormality rates were worse. In fact the doc said there was nothing alive. Cue mental and emotional breakdown along with the collapse of remaining self belief and ability to think straight.

Get me the fcuk out of here. “there is no feckin point taking the injections” was all it could mumble before shaking the docs and rejecting any attempt of anyone trying to comfort me.

On the journey home the silence was only broken by a call from the doc saying he had spoken with the embryologist and they thought we should proceed with the treatment,

Cheeky bastards want the money and don’t give a shit about giving us false hope – was all I could think.

I had just been beaten up emotionally again and I just wanted to put the car in the river.

Given a bit of time and a subsequent conversation with the doc once I got home, I realised that they were professionals and if there was no chance of it happening then they would not let us continue.

We still have a small chance but I am still in no mood to think that even a flicker of hope is enough for it to work.

Bollocks to it. Lets go through the motions and see what happens. Can’t possibly feel any worse than it does now can it?

"When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See, i've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone"
– The Smiths, How soon is now?

Heart Shaped Box

2006-11-06T11:05:00.000Z

With the good news in it thought I’d post an update on me and my feelings. It’s been difficult over the past 2 weeks as I’ve been aching for a beer but it was listening to a Bob Dylan track yesterday and the lyrics really stuck me. The song is Positively 4th Street and I related the song as if I was singing it to myself when I’m drunk, or the old me not made up my mind yet.

This kicked me up the arse and I have a renewed rigour and determination.

Back to the gym,
no more caffeine (been having a coffee or two every day),
no more whinging about not having any alcohol
and finally try to smile a little more often.

I am very excited and can’t help thinking that this time it’ll all be ok and we’ll get the result we want. Experience should teach me to be guarded and approach the situation with caution. Light fuse and stand well back sort of thing.

Last time I was cashing cheques at the bank of emotion that had no chance of clearing as I was over my emotion overdraft limit. This time I’ve cleared the overdraft but am still writing the same cheques.
We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

We find out how it all goes on 8th December which is 2 days short of my birthday.
I hope we have bit of luck

Pride (In the name of love)

2006-11-06T10:53:00.000Z

This morning we had confirmed dates with the clinic regarding of our second attempt to ascend to the summit of Mt IVF.

Stage 1
Friday 10th November we go in and the misses goes under sedation for a small treatment. The daily injections begin today and we are underway.

Stage 2
Friday 24th November is the egg collection and sample time. Over that weekend the embryologists will be working their magic to produce some good quality eggs ready for the transfer on Monday 27th November.

Stage 3
We then hold our breath for 12 days until the 8th December when we will have a result.

“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.” – Mark Twain

Climbing up the walls

2006-10-23T18:04:00.000+01:00

6 weeks into the new regime and all is not as well as I'd have liked. Climbing the walls this weekend and really, really wanted to have a pint. Did not cave in to the desire though and threw myself into a cooking session on Sunday making a very decent spicy potato and carrot soup. Not as much fun as getting drunk granted but nice to try something different none the less.

The misses had her Prostrap injection on Friday and not without mishap at the doctors surgery. They nearly spoiled the contents of the injection however it all went ok in the end.
I can honestly say that I would have serious reservations about having IVF treatment on the NHS as the level of care is no where near what we have experienced with our private clinic.

Still feel positive, happy and relaxed.

(just like) starting over

2006-10-18T21:17:00.000+01:00

Approaching the start line, Prostap injection in hand, the misses and I begin our second IVF/ICSI attempt on Friday.

I am excited but at the same time cautious not to get cought up in the happy hysteria and unrealistic air of positivity I had first time round.
Don't get me wrong I am positive in my attitude but ready to accept that things don't always go the way you want them to.

We have prepared ourselves so far by being very open with each other and we have just spent the weekend in Bruges which is a beautiful place. We walked and talked ate lots of chocolate and said things to each other that previously went unmentioned.

*booze
The misses gave me a honest statement about how she felt about my drinking. In her words I was obnoxious, self obsessed, paranoid, arrogant, verbally aggressive(although she did say never to her) and defiant. Clearly this had put a significant strain on her everytime we went out as she didn't know when or if I would turn into an idiot. Instant asshole, just add alcohol.
I stopped smoking on March 5th. I replaced the cigarettes with additional alcohol. Being somebody who can drink a bit this didn't really come to my attantion until the summer. As the weather got better so does the time spent in the garden.
We have just had the hottest summer on record in the UK. By the end of the summer I was drinking at least 24 bottles of beer and a bottle of vodka in a three day period. I felt little effect at the time but clearly this does lead to some shocking hangovers and mood swings. Not to mention the damage it was doing to my sperm count and my body in general.
I also had other reasons to drink which I will come onto in a moment.

I asked her at the weekend "If I had continued with the drinking, where would that have left us?" the response was considered and and delivered with a little caution "not in a very good state"
It is easy to take things for granted, especially your relationships.

*depression
For the first time in 2 and a bit years I openly stated to the misses that I suffer from depression. It's not that it was new news to her, god knows she has been more than patient in helping me deal with it over the past couple of years. It's just that I have never said it openly, and now that I have it is another small step towards dealing with the illness. I feel like I have to no longer apologise for the way I feel and I have had very few bad days in the past six weeks. So I do feel better, I have a goal and the booze was not helping me deal with depression.
Whew...see blogging really is cheaper than therepy.

So the weekend was a success in more ways than one. We had such a good laugh together and in a city renowned for its hundreds of different beers we remained sober (5 weeks and counting) had great sex and ate fantastic food and chocolate.
Most of all we spent 3 days just being us, you know a couple. It was fantastic.

By the way Belgium is not at all boring and only 2 1/2 hours from London, so go and have a look it's just brilliant.

Friday is nearly here and we are off and running for the second time.

Bring it on.

Running just as fast as i can

2006-10-11T15:10:00.000+01:00

10k completed in 56 mins, hope my lazy swimmers can learn a lesson. Turning into a veggie but enjoying the food.

Found out today that the Karyotype results were good. Don't really know what that means other than there is no problem with us trying again for ICSI/IVF. We start with the prostrap next week. The misses is very excited.

Found out that a friend of ours is expecting. Happy for them but for the first time I feel like telling them to stop showing off, feck off and leave me alone. Don't want to know. I have never been interested in any one elses pregnancy least of all now.

Going away for the weekend and looking forward to visiting a new place.

Beautiful Day

2006-10-05T13:54:00.000+01:00

After finishing in the gym this morning I walked accross the car park and facing me was the most beautiful sunrise. Pinks and orange lit up the early mornng sky and the sandstone building behind me looked like it had been painted in a pastel orange.
Driving home, admiring the sky to the left, I went past the deep green rugby pitch and to my right was a darker sky and there was a rainbow which just went straight up.

I once herd someone say 'how can you witness a sunrise and say that there is no god'.

Now I'm not going to change my mind on questionable non entity but it was quite something.

Stuck in the middle

2006-10-04T14:50:00.000+01:00

Strange time at the moment.
Just waiting now for the next visit to the clinic.
Not nervous, just waiting.

10k on Sunday, more soon.

Street spirit

2006-09-28T09:38:00.000+01:00

The new regime seems to be bearing fruit at last. The food going in is having a benefit on my body. I feel better generally and have more energy.
with getting up at early to go to the gym I'm knackered by 10pm and that means I'm getting 8 hours sleep.
The 8th is getting nearer and my training has stepped up a gear. I think I'm going to do ok, defiantly better than 60 minutes.

One thing which really made me laugh this week was my best pal cracking a joke about us seeing a young baby in the ivf clinic. It was the first time we had been back since the bad news and my pal said "it must have been like - here's what you could have won, unlucky take it away boys" just like a game show host who teases a contestant who has come up short.

We are awaiting the Karyotype results however the misses has already got dates penciled in and the Prostrap injection could be in less than 30 days.

It is still very difficult mentally having to talk about IVF every day.
******************************************it wears me out.

(not so) Brave little soldier

2006-09-22T18:46:00.000+01:00

Had some blood taken for the Karyotype test at the clinic this afternoon.
Like most men I'm a fainter when it comes to needles, but it all went very quickly and the nurse was great.

Going into the clinic we were confronted with a women and her child. Then there on the counter top was an advert for a book called 'miracle babies'. Sat down in the waiting area and on the table was a publication called something like 'Pregnancy monthly' with a special animated guide to hormones. So 3 things not to make me feel so cheerful. Anyway the sample is on its way, we are Â£160 lighter and the traffic on the way out of London was shocking.

On the brightside it looks likely we can begin our second attempt sooner rather than later. This means that in about 30ish days the misses can have the Prostrap injection. If all goes to plan we might have a result before Christmas.

NHS and IVF

2006-09-20T13:24:00.000+01:00

The title sounds like a power struggle from Ulster in the 70's don't it?

Well according to the Health Secretary, you are supposed to have a 'free' shot of IVF on the NHS.
Obstruction No 1:
Our PCT (Primary Care Trust) does not seem to have a policy on IVF or waiting list or any information about a waiting list or any information about information about a waiting list.
The Doc's were pretty apologetic about this (they seem to be apologising quite a bit when it comes to IVF)
Obstruction No 2:
If you decide to go alone with your first treatment then you revoke your right to have a shot second time round.

I needed this Karyotype test doing from a blood sample and was given a letter from our IVF specialist explaining what was required. I duely went to my GP who informed me that there are only 5 or 6 nationally based centres that can carry out genetic blood testing. If he referred me for a test at such centre this could take 8-12 weeks.
It's easy to knock the NHS but all I need from them is a fucking blood test and that is complicated. The Doc apologised (again), explained that I could have this immediately if I went privately and wished me well. Thanks for fuck all (again).

So back to the clinic on Friday for a blood test. The only good news is that it will cost Â£100 not Â£250 as my GP indicated.

Oh I got up at 6.15 and went to the gym yesterday, at last. 3 weeks before the 10k have I left it too late?

Week 1

2006-09-18T17:53:00.000+01:00

The crushing experience of a failed IVF treatment hit me in waves this week. It comes and goes with amazing degrees of frustration, anger and disappointment. Above all though by reading other blogs I'm still encouraged and am always saying to the misses that you can not loose HOPE.
I'm really good at dishing out advice but not so good at applying my so called pearls of wisdom to my own way of thinking. Hopefully sobriety will enable me to take a good look at how I tick and adjust my timing accordingly to get back on track on the happy train. The misery bus looks to have left town at the moment.

I have to have a blood test tomorrow, I really hate seeing my own blood and hope I can stop being such a jessie.
If the results come back good regarding the 'chromothing' then we can hopefully start again in November/December.

So this is my update after 1 week:

Booze
One week gone and ZERO units consumed. Went away at the weekend on a stag night which was a real test. Now the fella I went with are not exactly known as drinking legends however the evening started at 4.30 and I went to bed sober at 2.30am.
Felt OK not at all tetchy like when I stopped smoking. Good start.

Food
Not doing as well as I'd have liked but cut down on most shit. The fridge is full on Vegetables and I cooked a couple of mean veg curries which is a start. The multi vitamins are going down the neck OK and the food in the fridge and fruit bowl is full of anti-oxidants which should do my sperm count a favor.

Exercise
Still not doing enough. Start morning training from tomorrow.

The vital statistics
Weight 110kg (294lb) - No change from last week.

Headaches

2006-09-12T17:14:00.000+01:00

I know I shouldn't be moaning but I have replaced my toxic heartburn with a shocking headache. The anti-oxi-whatsists are clearly doing the job.

I need to take a blood test so that the clinic can check for chromsomal abnormalities. This is called a Karyotype test. Dunno when I'm going to fit it in over the next few days, but we are determined to start again as soon as possible.
The real panic is if we don't start soon then I won't be able to have a beer on my birthday or at christmas/new year. Sounds stupid I know but it'll drive me mental as everyone gets hammered over the christmas period.
I felt like this when I first stopped smoking, wondering how i'd cope going on holiday with a ciggie but that don't bother me anymore so who knows.

It might just all be alright after all.

A bit of history, some lazy swimmers and roast dinners.

2006-09-11T11:18:00.000+01:00

When we first found out we would need fertility treatment a couple of years back it didn't really hit me that hard at first. The misses was crushed but glad that she could stop feeling that there was something wrong with her. I just still didn't get it and when I did, well if you've been in that situation then you know.

*************************************************************************************
There is still a lot of information missing here about the history and I hope to be able to be honest with myself and fill them in as we go along.
*************************************************************************************
Cutting a long story short
So in April this year we finally settled on a clinic we were happy with, made contact and went for the initial consultation.
I was paralyzed with terror (whilst the misses had a note book so full of questions that would make Jeremy Paxman proud) I sat dumb, scared and at the same time tried to remember that there was two of us going through this process.

There were many visits to clinic over the next 3 months culminating the one last Friday to discuss why this cycle of IVF/ICSI did not work out for us.

It turns out that there is a possibility my sperm count could be increased by lifestyle changes, so this is what I must do. My lazy swimmers will need a great deal of help as will I.

******************The 90 Day Plan*********************

Cigarettes
Stopped my 20 a day habit 6 months ago, stopped coughing in May and do feel quite a bit better. Loved smoking and felt I was very good at it. Giving up was tough.

Booze
Ok, here is the thing, stopped smoking and began to drink twice the amount as before. Again very good at drinking but I have decided to knock it on the head for 3 months. An average of 50 units a week will be reduced to zero.

Food
Out goes no breakfast, cheese toasties at 10pm and finishing off any food the misses decides to leave on her plate.
In comes hemp seeds, 4 litres of water a day and plenty of fruit.

Exercise
Need to 'up my game'. I have a 10K run on October 8th in London which I want to complete in under an hour. So we have a starting point and this is the first goal.

The vital statistics
Weight 110kg (294lb)
Other measurements to follow.

So this is what I need to do....

2006-09-09T20:15:00.000+01:00

"When we say that the embryologist had difficulty in finding good sperm, this is an understatement. For a while there we were very worried"

Suddenly it hit me. All at once, like being woken in the middle of the night.
We had emotionally invested so much in the ICSI treatment that did not work out for us and to hear those words made me remember what it felt like when I was first told we would need help.
You see like so many others I think I'd be a good dad. Infact I'd like to think that Mr Blue Sky would be the perfect dad with the perfect wife.

This blog is being written not for ego but for the hope that I stay focused and work towards achieving my goal. I hope to open up my feelings to myself for possibly the first time as blogging is cheaper than proper therapy.

Tomorrow the real hard work begins. I always think that I get the most out of each day and that I give everything my best shot. The next 90 days will see if I'm a bullshitter or not.